Muhammad Abdul Bari*
Marriage in Islamic tradition
Throughout human history marriage has been the basis of family life. As pre-marital or extra-marital sex is unacceptable in Islam, marriage is the only sanctified outlet for a man-woman relationship that leads to human continuity with the blessings of children. Men and women are created in 'pairs' (al-Qur'an 78:8), God has created them to find tranquillity, affection and compassion (al-Qur'an 30: 21). Husbands and wives are uniquely compared as 'garments to each other' (al-Qur'an 2:187). The Prophet (pbuh) said,
Marriage is part of my Sunnah, whoever runs away from my path is not from among us. (Sahih al-Bukhari)
Marriage is a sacred social contract between a man and a woman. It is a religious institution that has encompassed the joy of human relationship, giving rise to tribes, races, societies and nations. Marriage is a life-long commitment that definitely needs love and affection between the couple for its survival and success. Post-marriage tranquillity between two human beings is long-lasting and can be eternal, even after death, if spouses strive within the boundary of Islam. Marriage is for a divine purpose. It provides solace, comfort and pleasure between two people. On the other hand, it instils in them compromise and sacrifice to live together in peace and harmony.
Allah has prescribed marriage as the only way for conjugal relationship and beginning family (al-Qur'an 2:221, 5:5, 24:33). The marriage bond encourages the development of faith, spirituality and social values among the partners. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said,
When a servant of Allah marries, he has completed half of his religious obligations, and he must fear Allah in order to complete the second half. (al-Baihaqi).
Marriage in Islamic tradition is essentially an 'arranged' one where young men and women are assisted with close ones' collective experience and wisdom. Parents, relatives and friends help in their own way to find marriage partners for their loved ones. The post-puberty matured boys and girls can themselves choose their life partners within the norm and decency of Islam. However, Islam has a social code for the interaction between men and women. Dating, clubbing and 'free mixing' are considered unacceptable. Muslim men and women have been asked to lower their gaze when they encounter the opposite sex (al-Qur'an 24:30,31).
'Arranged' marriage in Islam has nothing to do with 'forced marriage'. The Prophet of Islam would annul marriages in cases they were done forcibly.
If a man gives his daughter in marriage in spite of her disagreement, such marriage is invalid. (Sahih al-Bukhari)
Marriage is a happy public occasion and the ceremony is simple. The ceremony, Nikah, has some essential requirements such as
• consent of bride and groom
• consent from bride's guardian
• presence of two Muslim witnesses
• agreement of groom's Mahr (dower) for the bride
Sadly, marriage in many Muslim communities has turned into extravaganza and the innocent and joyful atmosphere that should be present has been marred by indulgent mixing, artificial pomp and unaffordable amount of dower, Mahr. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) arranged marriage with affordable Mahr.
Islam prefers marriage at the appropriate age when a man and woman become matured enough to take up responsibility of a married life with the man being able to economically sustain the family. Earlier marriage opens the door of a joyful life, giving children the opportunity to play with their youthful parents.
One should not wait for an 'ideal time' to start a married life, as life is a one way process and the ideal time may never come in life. The 'right time' of getting married is linked with a conscious understanding of Islam and Tawakkul (reliance on Allah), not merely on good earnings. In European countries young Muslims have the opportunity to start families before their mid-twenty's as most of them start their career in early twenty's. However, it is vital that young Muslims work hard to stand on their on feet and earn in a halal way so that they can contribute as active and dignified citizens in the society.
The flesh that is nurtured with Haram wealth cannot enter Paradise. Hell is his abode. (Musnad al-Bari)
Marriage is a big step for a young person. In an indulgent society Muslim boys and girls should leave no stone unturned to prepare themselves for early marriage so that temptation of life and allurement to the opposite sex cannot drive their passion into doing something that is inappropriate for them as Muslims. There is undoubtedly high level of social pressure on the young people to conform to a lifestyle of having a 'good time' or 'fun' at this age. But building life is more important. The concept of 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' and enjoying physical relationships before marriage is an anathema in Islamic tradition. Cohabitation or 'living together' is unacceptable. Children should be nurtured with the Islamic ethos of modesty and spiritual anchor. Young Muslims should be reminded that men and women who are not closely related (Mahram) should not meet each other in seclusion.
Whenever a man sits with a woman in privacy, a third one always creeps in, and that is the Devil. (at-Tirmidhi)
However, decent natural interaction in mixed gatherings is different from this. The purpose of this apparently 'strict' regime in man-woman relationship is to help in their natural growth protect them from the pitfalls of slippery slope in their character. If for some genuine reason there is delay in getting married, young people should follow the Prophet's Sunnah of fasting.
The Prophet (pbuh) said, "O young men! who ever among you is able to marry, should marry and whoever is not able should fast regularly, as this will be a shield for him." (Sahih al-Bukhari and Muslim)
In choosing a marriage partner the spouse's character should be given top priority, according to Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). Social strata borne out of inequality of human beings, such as in 'high caste' or 'low caste', are alien to Islam. However, Islam looks for genuine 'compatibility' and 'worldly wisdom' for a social, intellectual and educational match between two partners in marriage. Compatibility in age is also important. Believing men and women look for similar qualities in their partners. On the other hand, people with ill-character naturally cling to each other (al-Qur'an 24:26). Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) advised men as follows,
A woman is married for four things; her wealth, her beauty, her lineage or her piety. Always choose a woman who is pious in the practice of her religion. (Sahih al Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Dawud and Nasa'i)
This world is all temporary conveniences, and the greatest joy in this life is a righteous wife. (Muslim)
Choosing a marriage partner is a challenging job. Marriage is about bonding two hearts and thus dependent on Allah's blessings. For a successful marriage both partners need to satisfy each other regarding the issues they feel important, no matter how trivial they seem to be. Family background, personality traits, habits, attitude and manners - all are important. Important issues need to be sorted out before a match is finalised.
Marriage provides soothing comfort to the partners in life. Allah has given in women the greater share of mercy, love and compassion. Men, on the other hand, are bestowed with strong will and assertive nature. Muslims, both men and women, are advised to supplicate for goodness (Istikhara) while choosing a marriage partner. "None fails who consults (the creatures) and none regrets who seeks goodness (from the Creator)" (Tabarani). Potential husbands and wives should seek some prominent features from each other.
Husband Wife
o Understanding and commitment to Islam.
o Honesty, integrity and reliability.
o Social and life skills relevant to man.
o Sacrifice and ability to accommodate.
o Education and professional expertise to primarily earn for the family.
o Family background.
o Strength of character as in the role of a provider and protector in the family.
o Positive outlook, magnanimity and broadmindedness.
o Ability to cope with anger, crisis and external pressure.
o Competence and enthusiasm to lead a family in Islamic ethos.
o Willingness to consult.
o Equity, impartiality and sense of justice.
o Masculine features, e.g., toughness and stamina.
o Understanding and commitment to Islam.
o Honesty, integrity and reliability.
o Social and life skills relevant to woman.
o Sacrifice and ability to accommodate.
o Education and professional expertise to primarily raise children in Islam.
o Family background.
o Loyalty to husband in goodness.
o Liveliness.
o Interest and skills in household chores.
o Feminine qualities, e.g., tenderness and care.
o Ability to cope in domestic pressure and demand of children.
Unwanted though, Islamic marriage can go wrong and face crisis for some reasons, e.g.,
o deprivation of physical love and warmth between spouse
o unrealistic expectation from each other
o rudeness and abuse from husband or wife
o mistrust between them
o unwanted intrusion from family members
o infertility and impotence
o infidelity
o insanity
Whatever the reasons for marital problem, instead of living a 'hellish' life in a failed marriage, Islam has allowed divorce, Talaq for men and Khul from women on genuine grounds. Allah has revealed a chapter on Talaq in the Qur'an. Divorce is the most disliked thing 'acceptable' in Islam.
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, "of all things permitted by law, divorce is the most hateful in the sight of Allah (Sunan Abu Dawud).
Divorce is not a playful thing; it is a painful act and should therefore not be done in haste. So it needs reflection, patience and matured decision. The couple should seek help from family members and well-wishers. If every sensible effort fails and divorce becomes inevitable this should be done amicably, before the relationship becomes too bitter. In Islam marriage is not a life imprisonment. Sadly, there is still some social stigma attached to the status of the divorced women that needs to be removed. Divorced women have the same right to remarry as divorced men.
Preserve marriage, confront social pressure
The nature of teenage life is to explore new things and embark into creative and adventurous pursuits. Sex, being the most powerful passion in this age, can drive adolescents to lose focus of their life and destroy the future of many promising youngsters. Teenage romance under social and peer pressure ends up in physical relationships among often socially and psychologically immature boys and girls. This may end in disaster for individuals and catastrophe for the society. Teenage pregnancy costs socially and economically.
Marriage-based family life where children are seen as trust and trial by Muslims needs to be strengthened. Marriage is a compromise and adjustment between two human beings. A married couple who can adapt quickly with the new realities of life may find their life demanding but enjoyable. Young people getting ready to start family need to prepare themselves emotionally and mentally. The newly wed couple need to spend exclusive and quality time with each other in order to get to grips of each other's strengths and weaknesses. Once they are settled, one of the most important aspects of their married life is their conscious choice to have children and their upbringing.
This leads to the issue of parenting which is more than parenthood. Parenting could be the most pleasurable and worthwhile engagement in life if one is prepared for it. 'The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world'.
* Dr Muhammad Abdul Bari is an educationalist and community worker